Learning to Seek God

I feel caught in a strange space right now. I feel as though I have been wandering from God in a slow drift, and now when I look back, I see what appears to be a great expanse between me and Him. And I wonder how long this drift has been happening to become so great.

It first came to my mind when I went to go to Eucharistic adoration the other day (the priests were on retreat, though, so there was no Eucharist to adore, alas). Suddenly a concept from Christian mysticism dealing with the idea of levels of heaven came into my head, along with the idea to better understand it and how it fits into one's prayer life. And more than that strange thing to come to mind, I realised that my present discomfort may be more than just a drifting in the past few weeks or months, but that perhaps some aspect of my life has been drifting for far longer. I do not question that I am meant to be Catholic, nor do I question its truth. But I feel as though I am missing something here, something which I may have been seeking after when I was a Protestant but have since been distracted from seeking. And I wonder if perhaps now is not the time to resume that pursuit.

I'm just not sure how, or even what it is that I am pursuing, or how my Catholicism fits into this pursuit (or if it fits in at all, aside from it being just another form of Christianity, although I believe it is more than so merely incidental). I am reasonably certain that to find where I am being drawn, to find what it is that I am chasing, I will be led deep into mysticism. But where or what aspects of it or even where to begin I am not sure. The name Teresa of Avila has come up several times in the past year or two, so perhaps I will begin there. And with prayer. I think I will need a guide to find my way and show me the way to Christ in this. It begins with His mother who was once my model for how to pray, many years ago. And I guess we will see from there.

Adoration, and Classes, and Wedding! Oh my!

I am going to have a very busy year, this next year. Right now a small group of us at the Newman Centre are planning a weekly Eucharistic adoration service. Many churches have adoration services, including Newman (on Fridays at 1pm), but less common is a service where there is music involved. It's certainly not new, but it's not extremely common, either. We are still sorting out exactly the format and pattern of music and silence, but we are looking to combine those two elements in the adoration service. There was one thing that struck me as interesting. From what I can tell, it was suggested that there might not be a demand for an adoration service, especially as the one that they already have does not have an overwhelming attendance. To that, two things came to my mind: first that 1pm on a weekday is not the most accessible time slot by any stretch of the imagination; and second, that just because there has been no perceived demand does not mean we cannot create a demand. If it is made, they will come.

I also thing this may be a good way for me to keep myself praying in a regular manner. Sure, I go to church every week, but that time is like tithing, in a sense. It is time and prayer given willingly, but it is entirely expected that I give them, because they are not mine to withhold. Other prayer and time are fully free gifts, and they are good gifts to give, and good to spend with God. And I feel I have not done so well at that this past while. So in addition to my looking forward to worshiping in this manner and getting something like this going at Newman, the accountability involved in organising such a time would be good.

The next major thing I have is that I just finished shopping for classes. And it was something like dragging the bottom of the barrel for the degree I'm less enthused about. At the end of the day I am taking The Medieval Tradition, Celtic Spirituality, and The Medieval Child to finish my Medieval Studies degree, and Canadian English, Psychology of Language, Advanced Phonology, Advanced Syntax, and Disorders of Speech and Language to finish my Linguistics degree. The Psychology of Language class is rather a last minute addition. I had planned to take Introduction to Semantics, if only to have another 200-level arts class instead of a 300-level science class, but it conflicted with the time that Eucharistic Adoration is at. So we will see how it goes. The first semester will be five classes and almost entirely Linguistics, save for the year-long The Medieval Tradition (nothing like leaving the intro course until last, right?). And then the second semester will be four classes and almost entirely Medieval Studies, save for Advanced Phonology. I hope that it will all go well. And I am very sad not to have room for a Latin class. Well, technically, I do, but I'd rather relax with only 4 classes. We will see if I decide to drop in a 200-level Latin just so I can read 30 lines a night and it'll all be Caesar, having built bridges, killing Gauls.

And then, to top it all off, I need to start planning a wedding and making phone calls (anxiety!!!) and all that jazz. I should really get on finding a photographer very soon.