I should elaborate upon my last words. I do not know whether my feminine inclination is natal or something I learned/subconsciously retreated to, but I do know that it is mine and has been there as long as memory. Some may say that it is natural and to be encouraged; others may say it is natural and a product of the Fall to be discouraged; and still others may say it is a machination and principality of the devil to be obliterated or cured. More—and possibly most—importantly, this is a thing unasked for and unsought: It is a thing either given or permitted by God. That means that regardless of whether my perceived discrepancy between sex and gender is from heaven or hell, my awareness of it and struggle with it are without doubt sanctioned by heaven. My struggle with it is part of who I am and to deny its place in my life would be to deny something God has sent me.
And even while I struggle with this thing God has allowed me, I must be on guard against the risk of letting myself become self-centred, thinking only of my struggle and not of others. Because I am confused and lost as to who I am and whether it is okay to indulge in it or not. And it is tempting to become so caught up in this confusion and struggle with identity that I forget to put others first, that I forget humility, that I forget charity. In all of this I am reminded of the Peace Prayer of Saint Francis. No matter my confusion, no matter my suffering, if I can place this before all else, I will have done something good, and hopefully the good of that will shape my suffering into something good as well. And are not the things that this prayer speaks of familiar? Conflict, hatred, injury, doubt, despair, darkness, and sadness. When I am not careful, these seek to saturate my being as I suffer. And so I must place seeking a remedy for my suffering beneath offering that remedy to all whom I meet. And perhaps as I do so, God will grant me the grace to be at peace with myself, at peace in my own body, at peace with the person God has made me.
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive,
in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and in dying that we are born to eternal life.
02 September 2010
Fearfully and Wonderfully Made I
Thank-you, Lord, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. - Psalm 139:14
This is something I struggle with. By mortal eyes, while I am not repulsive, neither am I particularly well formed (although my wife would disagree). I am rather unremarkable. My mind is less trained than those whose company I keep and anyone whose is less trained cares little to nothing for academics. I am not entirely straight and also rather feminine, both in tastes and leaning, either as an accident of birth or something I unintentionally learned (nor particularly desired to learn)—and I do not know if I am just imagining it as I look back on my life and something I should therefore see razed from my being or simply an aspect of who I am. In short, I neither overly care for who I am nor am I particularly comfortable with myself. Not with my body, my mind, or my gender.
And yet I kneel before the Blessed Sacrament and see before me a lesson in humility, and a voice speaks to me reminding me that without humility we cannot love. Part of humility is seeing that God has made all things good. My spiritual father, my priest, reminds me of the words of the Psalmist, I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Who am I to be a higher court than God? Who am I to say to God, “I am made wrong”? Whether I was first made with this discrepancy of gender and sex (sometimes more apparent than others) or whether it is something which grew in the shadows unawares and unsought, only to be discovered now, first and foremost I must praise God who has made me. And I must praise Him who saw me fit to suffer for His Name's sake. And I will bless His Name who made me, for even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, He has blessed me with a companion who keeps me steady on the path.
I cannot now say whether affirming myself as I know I have been created (for physical form is notably easier to discern than the origins and development of gender) will show how I need to be purged of my feminine inclinations to be a fluid masculine and male being and participate in such a purging, or if it will pave the way for me to accept the apparent contradiction of gender and sex within me. But this I know: I am fearfully and wonderfully made; great are the works of God and let none slander anything He has made, for what He makes is good; and with all that is in me, I shall bless and praise the Name of the Lord who has made me.
This is something I struggle with. By mortal eyes, while I am not repulsive, neither am I particularly well formed (although my wife would disagree). I am rather unremarkable. My mind is less trained than those whose company I keep and anyone whose is less trained cares little to nothing for academics. I am not entirely straight and also rather feminine, both in tastes and leaning, either as an accident of birth or something I unintentionally learned (nor particularly desired to learn)—and I do not know if I am just imagining it as I look back on my life and something I should therefore see razed from my being or simply an aspect of who I am. In short, I neither overly care for who I am nor am I particularly comfortable with myself. Not with my body, my mind, or my gender.
And yet I kneel before the Blessed Sacrament and see before me a lesson in humility, and a voice speaks to me reminding me that without humility we cannot love. Part of humility is seeing that God has made all things good. My spiritual father, my priest, reminds me of the words of the Psalmist, I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Who am I to be a higher court than God? Who am I to say to God, “I am made wrong”? Whether I was first made with this discrepancy of gender and sex (sometimes more apparent than others) or whether it is something which grew in the shadows unawares and unsought, only to be discovered now, first and foremost I must praise God who has made me. And I must praise Him who saw me fit to suffer for His Name's sake. And I will bless His Name who made me, for even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, He has blessed me with a companion who keeps me steady on the path.
I cannot now say whether affirming myself as I know I have been created (for physical form is notably easier to discern than the origins and development of gender) will show how I need to be purged of my feminine inclinations to be a fluid masculine and male being and participate in such a purging, or if it will pave the way for me to accept the apparent contradiction of gender and sex within me. But this I know: I am fearfully and wonderfully made; great are the works of God and let none slander anything He has made, for what He makes is good; and with all that is in me, I shall bless and praise the Name of the Lord who has made me.
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