I feel caught in a strange space right now. I feel as though I have been wandering from God in a slow drift, and now when I look back, I see what appears to be a great expanse between me and Him. And I wonder how long this drift has been happening to become so great.
It first came to my mind when I went to go to Eucharistic adoration the other day (the priests were on retreat, though, so there was no Eucharist to adore, alas). Suddenly a concept from Christian mysticism dealing with the idea of levels of heaven came into my head, along with the idea to better understand it and how it fits into one's prayer life. And more than that strange thing to come to mind, I realised that my present discomfort may be more than just a drifting in the past few weeks or months, but that perhaps some aspect of my life has been drifting for far longer. I do not question that I am meant to be Catholic, nor do I question its truth. But I feel as though I am missing something here, something which I may have been seeking after when I was a Protestant but have since been distracted from seeking. And I wonder if perhaps now is not the time to resume that pursuit.
I'm just not sure how, or even what it is that I am pursuing, or how my Catholicism fits into this pursuit (or if it fits in at all, aside from it being just another form of Christianity, although I believe it is more than so merely incidental). I am reasonably certain that to find where I am being drawn, to find what it is that I am chasing, I will be led deep into mysticism. But where or what aspects of it or even where to begin I am not sure. The name Teresa of Avila has come up several times in the past year or two, so perhaps I will begin there. And with prayer. I think I will need a guide to find my way and show me the way to Christ in this. It begins with His mother who was once my model for how to pray, many years ago. And I guess we will see from there.
No comments:
Post a Comment