Tonight as I struggle with an insomnia empowered with guilt, I stumbled across a comment on a friend's blog concerning why this person remains with the Catholic Church, despite feeling unwelcome and seeing all the awful things done by Her of late: I have no where else to go. As it says in the Gospel, "Then Jesus said to the twelve: Will you also go away? And Simon Peter answered him: Lord, to whom shall we go? thou hast the words of eternal life" (John 6.67-68).
These words strike me deeply, especially on dark nights such as this. To whom shall I go? I hurt and ache inside and I tear at my heart and bury it in ashes because I am disgusted by my inability to keep from sinning gravely. And yet, anytime something tries to suggest that the problem is the Catholic Church for putting so much emphasis upon mortal sin, my whole being cries out, "But where else can I go but to the light?" It is the light which burns me and humiliates me, because in the light I can see my ugliness. But it is only in the light that I have any hope of healing and forgiveness.
It is also in the light that I fear those things that I am told to be sinful, but which I am not convinced actually are. Can I view my confusion around gender in the light? It is easier to avoid the feeling of shame and to even feel pride in it while I keep to the shadows, not considering the light. But again, how can I keep away from that which makes me whole? And so I must face the light in this awkward and confused form and it's embarrassing and (hopefully?) humiliating. How can I hope to be forgiven my sins when I suspect that this is who I am? a creature seemingly made contrary to what is right? It would be easier if I were normal and without feminine inclination. Then all I would have to deal with is the struggle with sin that is common to all people. But to tell myself that this femininity is sinful... all I can do is try my best to serve God and hope that I am not judged too harshly for failing to reject it from my being.
And that is really what it comes down to. Despite the horror of my sin, despite the terror of not rejecting what may be a horrible sin, to whom shall I go? thou hast the words of eternal life.
1 comment:
"It would be easier not to sin if I were normal." As someone else who's not normal, I share that feeling of being inherently weaker and, therefore, more prone to sin. But inherent weakness is in fact the entire human condition, and someone else's lot only seems easier. You must trust God that His grace will be sufficient to you. If it is your femininity that leads you to sin, then turn to Our Lady (with all her titles: Our Lady of Perpetual Help, Our Lady of Good Counsel, Our Lady of Good Consolation, Our Lady Undoer of Knots), and ask her to help you understand how to live in a way that is pleasing to God in the midst of your crosses. It is very humbling to be broken in a world that values perfection so much, but remember that the perfection the world values is just an illusion, and not a reflection of divine favor. I prefer to think of myself as a little lamb who He will always need to keep near and I think that you must come to view your own brokenness the same way.
Post a Comment